Filling the hole in my heart

In the mid 1980's, I was a teenager in high school, and I had a deep sense of emptiness in my heart. I just knew there had to be something more to me and to my life, but I did not know how to fill up this hole in my heart. So, I looked around at my friends and fellow students to see what they were doing, because it seemed like they knew what they wanted out of life.

I started to hang out with the party crowd. I fit in with them mainly because I was not a jock, a brain or a rich kid—kind of a social process of elimination. And so I partied... for the next couple of years. However, I found that getting drunk and high was not filling me up at all, and, in fact, it was making things worse. So, after a few scary episodes (the kind that you read about how some rock stars die), I decided to make a clean break from that group. But I was still empty inside.

Doing it on my own

I was now a senior in high school and becoming a rugged individualist. I was in it for myself. I figured that in order to fill up this hole in my heart, I had to do it on my own and carve out life the way that made me happy. Certainly nobody else was going to make me happy. I also decided that I did not want to go away to college. I figured it would be a waste of time and money because I was not sure what I wanted to study.

In light of my new philosophy, I decided that I was going to start my own business. That way I would be in control of my own destiny and could make all the money I wanted. On the last day of my school finals, I opened a pizza delivery shop with a friend of mine in my home town. The business became all consuming for me. I was filling up the emptiness in me with working long hours, devising a business strategy and trying to make money.

Something different

Over time, the business grew. But as it grew, the hole in my heart began to reappear. Why was the emptiness coming back? Business was good. We were making money and, in fact, we had to start hiring employees. That is when things started to change in me. The second employee we hired was named Kevin and there was something different about him. Nothing especially conspicuous, in fact, he was quiet and would not stand out in a crowd. But I sensed a joy and peace inside of him.

Over time, I began to hang-out with Kevin after work more and more. I also began to get to know his friends, and as we needed more employees I would hire one of his friends. It turns out that Kevin and his friends were Christians. However, they never preached to me or criticized my way of life, but they just shared their life with me and showed that they truly cared about me.

They showed me that I could live in peace and that the only thing that would fill the hole in my heart was to have a personal relationship with Jesus. All that meant was to see Jesus as the friend he really is. So, in May of 1987, I asked Jesus into my heart. And, being the businessman that I was, I stayed up late that night and wrote a contract to God that I would dedicate my life to him.

Since then, I have had the peace in my heart. It does not mean that I am happy all the time, or that, by no means, I am perfect. It just means that I am accepted and loved. I continue to grow and mature in my relationship with Christ, and, at times, I have not lived the life that Christ desires for me. But, in Christ, there is always acceptance, forgiveness and love.